Riley’s Butt Cream

Everything moves slowly today. My white blood cell counts are sticking at 0.7, but platelets and hemo are holding above the need for me to receive any transfusions.

I have a view of the  outside world from my room, but it is merely concrete, metal, pavement, glass, people, and sky. In the distance, off to the south, a small factory of some sort billows cottony clouds of industrial byproduct into the Indianapolis air.

What I would give to be in the Wisconsin woods on this day, feeling the strength of my cold breath, gazing up through the barren tree tops to the clear, blue sky above, my winter boots solidly planted in the cold, white snow.

Instead, I am laid up on a hospital bed watching old Seinfeld episodes, knowing that my doctors have provided me with an ointment known around here as Riley’s Butt Cream — an almost home(pharmacy)spun remedy for the sort of side effects of spending a lot of time in bed.

But, Dawn will be here any moment. And for that I will give up the woods, accept the now dark, dingy view, and deal with my Butt Cream.


And don’t you Madisonians forget: I may be on a leave of absence from Children’s Theater of Madison, but we are opening our production of A Christmas Carol tonight, replete with local celebrity cameos. It runs through December 21, so come out to the Overture and support us! CTM has certainly stepped up and supported Dawn and I in our times of need. You can find information on tickets here.


5 Responses to “Riley’s Butt Cream”

  1. Thinking of you Mike, and hope Dawn’s visit this weekend brings you joy and a respite from the doldrums of the treatment regimen. Praying for good numbers on the cell counts — hang in there.

  2. Hi Mike, I’m only going to tell you this because I hope it won’t make you feel worse, but at least more connected to the outside. Today I went out on Airport Road to Summer’s Xmas tree farm and cut down a gorgeous Colorado pine tree for my house. I went with a friend and they had donuts and hot cider and all that stuff, and trimmed and bagged the tree for me – fifty bucks. But honestly, I would have paid them just for the walk in the woods – it’s breezy today, not too cold and overcast – a few raindrops, actually. So it felt mild and balmy compared to the last days. I know this won’t last, it’s supposed to get really cold again, but I’m inspired to even put up some outdoor lights today since it’s so mild. My friend’s cellphone fell off and we had the excuse to walk back out a second time to find it. I dug for it and actually found it and it still worked and wasn’t even wet yet. Another gorgeous vista to admire – I’m sending you some of those balmy breezes right now, you’ll be out here with us soon. There’s a solstice bonfire in my neighborhood and maybe next year we can throw the Butt Cream into the fire with a vengeance! In the meantime, take care of what little butt you have left!!! We love you, come home soon, Stephanie

  3. butt cream, oh ya. cara and i use it all the time. now, don’t get the wrong idea: it goes on our cycling chamois. you gotta keep your bum comfortable.

  4. so, between the chamois and the bike, right? It isn’t being smeared on your delicate bottom like what’s happening in an Indianapolis hospital, right?

  5. Hi Mike-
    Hope you are doing well. Here’s a funny question about your butt cream. My mom is currently a bedridden resident of a nursing home in Indiana and they use this Riley butt cream on her. It appears to work wonderfully but we are curious as to why it has to be kept under lock and key and only doled out by a tablespoon at a time. Not sure about your situation as to if you are at home or in a hospital and are getting it that way? We were looking to buy some on our own and have it in the room available when needed because the aides do not always take the time to go down and get it from the nurse when they change mom. Any help you can give us would be greatly appreciated.

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